Forcing the guy to foot the bill may seem unfair, but quashing his chivalry could cost a lot more than cash.
You’ve got it all: a career, a killer wardrobe, and a date for Friday night. All is right with the world, and you’re hoping it will be even “righter” if that first date turns into something more. But before you go, keep in mind a rule that can set the tone for an entire relationship: let your man pick up the check. Forcing the guy to foot the bill may seem unfair, but quashing his chivalry could cost a lot more than cash—you may be sending him the message that you just want to be friends.
Plus, letting your date pay for calamari and cocktails allows him to demonstrate his good manners, especially if he’s the one who asked you out. “When a guy meets a girl he likes, he wants to show her a good time and treat her like someone special,” says Edwin Stanton, a sports copy editor in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. “When a woman pays her own way on a date, it’s like saying, ‘I’m not interested, so back off.’” His wife Tiffany, a journalist, concurs. “It might be cliché, but if you like yourself – and see yourself as beautiful and worthy of pampering – then others will, too,” she says. “When a guy paid for dates, it let me know he thought I was worth it. It let me know how much he was willing to invest in our relationship, money or otherwise,” she says.
Many relationship experts agree that the man should pay for the date, if only to give him the opportunity to show off his chivalry. “We appreciate men who are smart, funny, and do nice things to make us feel special,” says LA Love Coach Athena Navarro. “We can’t appreciate a man who doesn’t value chivalry.”
But what happens when the relationship develops? Bill Aronson, an accountant in Washington, D.C, thinks that the woman should offer to pay by the third date. “This is 2007, and if a woman makes a good living, there's no reason for her not to pay. I want someone who wants to treat me as often as I treat her,” he says. Ultimately, whether or not you choose to pay for dates is up to you. But if your date sincerely wants to pick up the check, be careful of sending the wrong signal by pouring cold water on his attempt to be gallant. A girl that can assert her independence while still letting her date showcase his chivalry?
Now that’s priceless.
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14 Comments
Kissy
March 24, 2008
That’s a good post, Shelley!
Women really shouldn’t go Dutch on dates, because this can be a big turn off sign for men. Still due to the latest research only women in Asia split the bill on dates now, Western women seem tired of feminist ideals. Anyway, it’ll be a sort of courtesy of women to offer men to share the bill. http://www.KissdontMiss.com
Mark
April 06, 2008
Hi Shelley, as a guy, I appreciate your articles. However I disagree with this one. This is very interesting, because I have the exact opposite view:
Once I know that I have feelings for my date and that there is potential for a relationship of any length, I usually insist on paying. If its the first or second date however, I do not feel comfortable with it, and I am turned off by a date not offering. Of course I always pay by default, unless she intervenes.
I have an egalitarian view of women, and I think this idea of male Chivalry is often a disguise for belittling women. If we are to see women as successful, why must we always try and strong-arm them financially, as if they are a child? Having a man pay for everything puts the woman in a subservient position, and in some cases it creates the presumption that sex might be expected in return for this transaction.
Also on a practical level from my own experience, the dating world is too uncertain for the man to always pay on the first date. Even after a great first date of non-stop talking and enthusiasm, women disappear without notice, lost either to a busy schedule or another man. A guy of average income cannot afford to be footing the bill on all of these first dates.
I love to spoil a woman, but not as a man treating a woman, but as one person who cares for another.
Cindi
May 15, 2008
I know a guy who is down on his luck right now. I want to take him out to a nice dinner-my treat-but I don’t want to blow it. We’ve been talking/texting for a couple of months now, and are very comfortable with each other. His car is in the shop with an expensive bill coming up. He works full time- but is a single dad who probably can’t afford a nice dinner out right now.{and I can} I’m not sure what to do! Help!
CABelle
June 13, 2008
Mark,
I am going to assume you don’t get very many 2nd dates? Sorry but if you split the bill with me on the first date I would assume you want to be my “buddy” and that is fine by me me I love having male friends. That said, I would never view you as a guy I would be romantically interested in. If you don’t have enough income then don’t take your dates to nice places or don’t go on dates at all.
I love this excuse from some men. “Girls who don’t pay for their dinner are gold diggers” haha...my favorite line from cheap guys. There are so many cheap guys who try to use excuse after excuse.
I always offer and most guys will fight me for the bill and that in itself is HOT! A man who is in control and shows me power. No one wants to be out with a wuss.
If you ask me out, I am spending time with you. If I ask you out I should pay but most guys (the manly ones I like) always pay. It is called impressing us not treating us like a child. Older guys really get this one. Younger ones not so much but they eventually learn!
Gisele
CABelle
June 13, 2008
Cindi take the poor guy out to dinner. That is completely different and he needs something to cheer him up. When things are down for you he will do the same thing. You are setting the “friend” zone for him though so be careful. If you comfort him too much but like him romantically he will run off to some other b...tch. Read the book “Why men love bitches” or something like that. Being too nice is never good with men, they take you for granted and run of to some mysterious chick who never takes their calls.
Gisele
Lulu
July 09, 2008
I like when my date offers to pay or give me a ride, this is not to determine if my dates are wealthy or to save money, but I look at behavior and capability. It looks smooth and nice at the restaurant or somewhere if a man pick up check and open the door, and I feel I’m treated special, even though I am sure I offer to share anyway. I have to correct all men’s wrong idea ‘girls like rich men’, we like men who can take care of us. That’s why a diamond ring is meaningful – shows he is willing to please her while he gave up upgrading his car for a while and also went to shopping which is not exactly his best interest, but all for her, and also implying I will always feed you first. Also that’s why rich but stingy is hated much more, and a woman feel more insulted when taken to zagat rated restaurant, and can read his expression ‘this place is expensive!‘, see him ordering the cheapest bottle of wine from the menu, and even worse, suggested going Dutch before she offers, (technically, going Dutch is not exactly fair since men drink and eat more in general, I can argue he ate 3 dumplings while she ate 2 out of 5, and he had 3 drinks before she finished 2nd, but I wont argue, because we share good time together. But worst is ‘how much was my food? I pay $30 for chicken I ate, you pay $40 for your salmon, I pay for beer I had, you pay for your snobby wine’ but actually he sipped her wine to taste and drank it up since she said she couldn’t finish), because he is sending a message ‘you are not worth it. I will not take care of you’ If he doesn’t have much money, he should be creative and take her to some unique but affordable place (not McDonald of course, that message is also clear and discouraging, not his own kitchen – misleading, but how about free concert at park but make sure he does research, leg work, get the good spot, and pays for wine and cheese, don’t expect her to bring some food just because she is woman, also please go there since it is nice event to go, not just because it is free), instead of saying ‘girls are expensive, they like rich guy and nice restaurant. Most women have pretty good idea that we are not dating with Trump, but we all know men don’t spare and regret time, money and energy on what they like – cars, sports game, hobbies, cigarette, alcohols, collectible toys, etc. We all know gas is pricey and everyone wants to go home to sleep early but also know if it was for football game, men don’t mind driving extra 80 miles, and even stop by at the bar for extra few hours, they might even buy a beer for a stranger next just because he is also team fan, or so.
As a woman, I do not expect my date to pay just because I am a woman, I should be attractive, fun, smart date, if I don’t make him feel like he wants to see me again or wants anything more from me either seriously or casually, he doesn’t have to pay. If date is good, and man should pick up the bill as a good sign, if it is really bad, man should still better pay otherwise she will talk about ‘cheap date’ to everyone. If he thought the date was great and paid and she disappeared, he is not smart at all.
Guido
December 13, 2008
I usually pay for the date and the girls usually pay and suffer for dating me afterwards - for a long time.
A fair deal, isn’t it ?
Valerie Diamonds
December 14, 2008
I also agree that man should pay for the date. If a man asked me for a date, it should be him to pay for our date. I always adore men who can whoop me up my feet on dates...with flowers, chocolates and even diamond jewelry! afterall, who can say no to diamonds? There was a guy who gave me a diamond from Diamonds on Web...it was sweet of him, the diamond he gave me was so exquisite!
Terry
March 01, 2009
Great post!
It took me a while to learn this one. When I was single, I used to love to split the cost of a first date. Didn’t get a lot of second dates until I realized I was unwittingly sending that, “Let’s just be friends” message. That’s when I stopped offering to go dutch the first time out!
Terry
Dating Advice (Almost) Daily
http://www.happygirlmusing.com
Sean
May 17, 2009
I went on a date last night and shortly after the check arrived I went to the bathroom. After I got back she had had the checks split and when I offered to pay she smiled and said it was alright. It really confused me because I thought the night had been going well, really gave me mixed signals.
Brian
July 04, 2009
Who in their right minds wants to be FORCED into having to foot the bill just to go out with someone you don’t really even know yet? Shouldn’t it be a personal decision and not ‘expected’ ???
And who says that it’s right for women to expect a free ride just because they are a woman? This mentally rains women to use men for what they can get and also trains them to belive they shouldn’t have to carry their own weight in a relationship.
So many women want to be considered ‘Equals’ then if that’s so then carry your own weight and don’t carry yourself as a walking mooch that expects a man to shell out his hard earned money just to spend time with you. We have hookers for that ladies!
And who is to say that it’s so far beyond the stretch of the imagination that just as us men are ‘nice guys’ and most of the time pay the way while women just take,take,take...who’s to say that once in a while a woman couldn’t show her ‘niceness’ and offer to pay for the guys meal! OH! NOW WE HAVE A MAJOR ISSUE DON’T WE??? You see, what’s good for the goose should be good for the gander!Or should be anyway.
It’s the concept of women using men for what they can get and if they don’t have ‘enough’ well, they head on down the road! That’s the one that just gets me and many men.
Women say they want a ‘relationship’ when really the all mightly dollar would be a deal breaker for many....which has exactly ZERO to do with true love. It’s not a ‘relationship’ they seek....it’s more so a ‘financial arrangement’
Again...’what’s Love got to do with it?’
Michelle
August 10, 2009
I usually ask to pay for my half just to test the guy out to see if he actually has manners and will pay for the date. Believe me, some men or shall I say “boys” will take you up on that offer and allow the woman to pay for herself, even if it’s only a cheap cup of coffee(and I’m not even talking about a $3 cup at Starbucks)
Total turn off if he says “if you insist” Are you KIDDING me???
Amber
September 20, 2009
I totally agree with Giselle’s comments here! I went out with a guy who refused to pay for anything and that totaly turned me off. Btw he still was expecting sex so having to pay your own way doesn’t men that the guy won’t have expectations. A guy should pay on a first date. The first date can be just coffee though so the woman doesn’t feel like she owes anything. I also offer to pay but the guy who is worth anything will insist on paying. If a guy is younger and the woman is older I think this rule can be relaxed. Honestly though if the guy is older though he should feel privledged enough to pay on the first date. I’m fine if the first date is not expensive. I’m not a gold digger. I actually prefer a more casual first date anyway.
Shelley,
Well done!
I totally agree about letting the guy pay. Not only could you send the “I’m not interested” vibe by not letting him pay, but too much independence can be a big turn off too. Not being clingy and dependent = a good thing. Being so independent that you don’t need a man can look like you don’t want a man (from a man’s perspective.) And trust me, that’s not attractive! There are eight other reasons why you should never offer to pay on the first date at http://www.NeverTooLate.biz.