The feeling of despair and anguish after a break-up is enough to catapult ourselves back into the arms of the person who broke up with us without a moment of rational thinking. Whether it ended on good terms or not, should you get back with your ex who dumped you?
Before you think about rekindling the romance with your former partner, you and your ex need to take enough time to properly heal from the traumatic event. Otherwise, you could be getting yourself back into the same cycle of problems.
With all the things that need to be considered when contemplating if you should get back with your ex who dumped you, we have written this article to help you make this decision. We’ll delve into when you should and shouldn’t get back with them, as well as what actually happens to you when you go through a break up.
What happens to us when we go through a break-up?
After a break-up, the chemicals in our brain get disoriented because we’re no longer able to see, hear or feel our former partners. This is because, when we have a relationship with someone, they pretty much occupy our whole limbic system in our brain. This is the part that controls our behaviour and emotional responses to things.
Remove your ex from your neural connections, and you’ll feel desperate to get them back into your life. You can’t sleep, won’t eat and you don’t want to socialise.
Why? Well, a break-up will overstimulate the limbic part of your brain. This causes your serotonin levels to drop. Serotonin is a chemical that gets released in our nerve cells, and is responsible for stabilizing our mood, and making us feel happy.
Have you ever heard someone say how being dumped caused them to feel physical pain? A break-up not only affects your emotions, but your body too. A broken heart can cause a lack of endorphins to be released into the body.
Endorphins is a chemical that activates in our bodies when we’re in pain, feel stressed or during gratifying activities such as exercise, eating or intimacy. Endorphins is basically our bodies natural sedative as it helps reduce pain.
This is why we feel distressed and depressed, and believe getting back together with our ex is the only solution to get us out of the constant sombre state. In this time, we’re unable to acknowledge the true events of our relationship. We idealize our former partner, and only think about the good memories as a way to justify the way we feel.
When shouldn’t you get back with your ex?
You shouldn’t get back with your ex during the first four stages of your break-up. If you feel desperate to reconcile, this will only give your former partner all the power, and result in you possibly feeling insecure, needy or jealous. Which, ultimately do not bode well in any relationship.
What are the five stages of a breakup? The five stages of a break-up include denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. It would be unhealthy to get back with your ex who dumped you when you’re still somewhere between stage one and four. Here’s why;
Stage 1. Denial
Denial is when you don’t believe you’ve just been dumped. You may think that your ex is going to come back to you, and you find yourself trying to ignore the actual reality of the event. Here, you’ll be unable to acknowledge why your partner broke up with you.
Some of the emotions you’ll feel are;
Stage 2. Anger
You’re going to be angry with your ex. How dare they break up with you! Especially if they dumped you out of the blue, you may feel resentful and very cold towards them. During stage 2 you probably won’t want anything to do with them, or, you might want to let them know how angry you are.
Stage 2 requires mindfulness. You don’t want to be impulsive and later regret your actions. Instead, try to channel your emotions and practice breathwork.
Stage 3. Bargaining
The bargaining stage can be quite dangerous, specifically if you’re the one who got dumped. This is when you may feel as though you need to reconcile with you ex, even just as friends. However, trying to do so can be more painful than what you might think.
If they reject you, it can ignite the hurt you felt upon the break-up, and cause you to feel worse about yourself and the break-up.
The emotions during this stage will be;
(Did you know; after a break-up women are prone to experience more emotional distress. However, they will fully recover whereas males tend to move on without full recovery).
Stage 4. Depression
Although you’re sad, stage four is when you realise the situation is not going to change. This is the time where you should spend some quality time alone.
Reflect on your feelings and your relationship. Try to understand that although you’re feeling depressed, you can learn from the experience. During stage four, it’s important to surround yourself with positive people, and refrain from looking for an outlet such as alcohol.
Stage 5. Acceptance
This is when you accept your fate. You acknowledge your relationship, and realise if there were already signs that showed a break-up may have been on the cards. Here, you’ll acknowledge the part you played in it.
Of course, people go through these stages in different times. The dynamic of your relationship will also depend on how quickly you process your break-up. Whatever it is, it’s important to note that you should not get back with your ex until you have properly understood and come to terms with why you parted ways.
Once you go through this process, you may find that you’ll never get back with your ex, or, you have a different view on the situation.
When should I get back with my ex?
You should get back with you ex if your partner dumped you on amicable terms for a reason that is justifiable. If you were in a long-distance relationship and you both agreed the pressure was too much, but now, you live closer together. Although this type of situation is less to do with conflict, and more to do with convenience, you should still consider all aspects of your previous relationship before you rekindle your romance.
When you think about getting back with your ex, has enough time passed for the both of you to grow, and mature from your previous relationship? It’s not unusual for couples who dated in their teenage years to reunite in adult life.
A previous study confirmed that young couples who got back together after roughly five years apart had a 76% chance of a successful marriage, as opposed to 40% of people who never dated their partner in their youth. This was due to an increase in maturity.
Here are a few important questions that you need to ask yourself before you should consider getting back into a relationship with your ex;
- What was the reason for your break up?
- What are the changes that you believe will cause the relationship to be different?
- How has your ex become different since you were last together?
- Was the trust between you two broken, and can you be secure in a relationship moving forward?
- Do you have any ounce of insecurity when you think about your ex?
Be honest with yourself when you go through these questions. If you can truthfully answer them with confidence, then rightfully so, get back with your ex!
Why getting back with your ex is a bad idea
Unless you and your partner have really taken the time to understand what your differences were, and how each one played a part in a break-up, getting back together may be a bad idea. Purely because the conflict that appeared before, will more than likely exist in your rekindled relationship.
You may not think so during the honeymoon phase, but once the romance settles down, you may find yourself facing the very same problems that you dealt with before.
It’s not uncommon for couples to get back together after a break up. Research has found that almost 50% of couples will rekindle their relationship. However, 14% of these re-ignited flames will call it quits again.
Why do exes reach out?
Because your ex will come with familiarity and comfort, it’s pretty normal for exes to gravitate back towards each other. Especially when you feel lonely, it’s so much easier to rekindle an old flame instead of putting yourself back into the dating world and getting to know someone from scratch.
This is, unfortunately, when people get back with their former partner for the wrong reasons. You might find yourself settling back with your ex because you’re worried you’re not going to find anyone else.
The Journal of Social and Personal Relationships also found that couples who got back together had greater uncertainty in their future together. If you got dumped by your ex and you have not dealt with it, you might have feelings of insecurity, neediness or jealousy. Which, let’s face it, are all traits for an unhealthy relationship.
We wanted to find out what percentage of the public would get back with their ex who dumped them. Here’s what they said;
- 0% said yes, they would
- 23% said their ex would have to prove to them that they’ve changed
- 77% said nope, never
Along with this, the most common trend in this poll was; ‘If it wasn’t worth it then, it’s not worth it now’.
In order for the relationship to work a second time round, something has to change. Are you able to determine what that change is? If you can’t, you’ll be getting yourself back into the same partnership that didn’t work.
How long does it take to get over an ex?
Getting over an ex can vary between a couple of weeks to years depending on the length and intensity of the relationship. It will take roughly six months for someone to completely heal from a year long relationship. If you were with your ex for only a few months, you might only need a couple of weeks to recover.
Should you speak to your ex after they dumped you?
No, you shouldn’t speak to to your ex after they dumped. The general rule is to wait thirty days to six weeks before you even consider making any contact with them. Staying in contact with your former partner will only hinder your healing process, and confuse your brain into thinking you ‘need’ them.
How long do dumper stages last?
The ‘dumper stage’ is when the person who broke up with you doubts their decision, and starts to regret breaking up with you. They may start to feel like this as soon as they have no contact with you, or when they see you with other people. This can last for a couple of weeks to a few months.
If you’re wondering whether you should get back with your ex who dumped you because they’re trying to reconcile with you, keep in mind that this could be because they feel lonely, or they’re doubting their decision.
Most of the time, the ‘dumper’ in the relationship will be the ‘avoidant’ and you will be the ‘anxious’ one. As time progresses, the roles become reversed and your ex may try to reach out to you. It’s important that you make sure you go through the five stages of grief before you even consider getting back with your ex.
It’s quite easy to fall back into a relationship with whom we already know, and are comfortable with. It will take an extreme amount of individual growth and self-reflection to have a shot at a successful rekindled love. We hope this article has given you some insight on the ins and outs of getting back together with an ex. We hope you make the right choice, for you!
(Quiz Question; are women or men more prone to recover fully after a break-up?). Submit your answer through the box below. If you’d like to ask any questions, or provide us with feedback, feel free to include this.